A Letter to our Family and Friends

Let me first say that we we received an update last Friday and our precious girl is growing!  She is up to 16.5 lbs and she is starting to be more vocal :)  She is happy and healthy which is exactly what we needed to hear!  We also received an update on Saturday from the US Embassy stating that our application processing is complete and they are beginning the final investigation process.  We have been told that the Embassy may be backed up with cases, so we are praying for a reprieve for them to catch up!  We have no idea of our timeline from here.  It could be days or weeks.  We'll keep you posted!.

As we get closer to M's homecoming, we three Longstreets are doing our best to prepare ourselves for all the adjustments and changes we are going to experience in growing into a family of four!  With that, we felt it only fitting to share with you some ways that you, too, can help in the transition period.

Dear Family & Friends,

After three years of waiting, M is finally going to be coming home!  We know that each of you reading this letter has, in some way, supported, loved, and prayed for us (or a combination of the three!).  Because we know you care for our family, we want to share with you some information that we hope will best equip everyone around M to assist us in laying the strongest and healthiest foundation – emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

Very soon, we’ll be traveling back to Ethiopia to pick her up (unfortunately, we don’t yet know HOW soon).  This is an exciting and scary time for all of us, especially for M.  In her short life, our daughter has gone through more changes and life altering experiences than most adults could handle.  She’s already experienced the loss of a birth family and will soon experience the loss of familiar and comforting caretakers as well as the sights, smells, and language of Ethiopia.  Her world will turn upside down.  She will be disoriented and confused.  She will struggle with feeling safe and secure and lack the ability to trust that we will meet her needs.

In many ways, M will be like children who enter a family through birth.  But, there will be a few initial differences.  Over the last few years, we have read countless books, articles and blogs and taken several courses dealing with bonding and attachment in children, especially those coming home through adoption from an institutional orphanage setting.

We are confident of this:  God’s design is PERFECT.  His plan for parents and children is a beautiful and meaningful picture of His love for us.  Attachment between a parent and child occurs over time when a baby has a physical or emotional need and communicates that need.  The primary caretaker (usually mommy) meets the need and soothes the child.  This repeats between a parent and child over and over to create trust within the child for that parent; the baby is hungry, cries in distress, mom nurses and calms the baby – which teaches him/her that this person is safe and can be trusted.  By God’s very design, an emotional foundation is laid in the tiniest of babies, which will affect their learning, conscience, growth, and future relationships.  The security provided by parents will, ultimately, give children a trust for and empathy towards others.

Children who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in this typical attachment process.  The loss of a biological mother at an early age can be a major trauma on their little hearts.  As M’s parents and forever family, we get to rebuild attachment and help her heal from these emotional wounds.  When she comes home, she will be overwhelmed.  Everything around her will be new and she will need to learn not just about her new environment, but also about love and family.  She has not experienced God’s design for a family in an orphanage setting.  While her caregivers love her to pieces, they cannot replicate a family environment.  The best way for us to form the parent/child bond is to be the ones to hold, snuggle, instruct, soothe, and feed her.  As this repeats between us, she will be able to learn that we are her parents and are safe to trust and to love deeply.  We are, essentially, recreating the newborn/parent connection.  Once she starts to establish this important bond, she will then be able to branch out to other healthy relationships.

M will have what may seem like a lot of structure, boundaries, and close proximity to us.  Please know that these decisions have been prayerfully and thoughtfully made based on research, training and advice, and instruction from others who have been there.  We will be doing what we believe is best to help her heal from those interruptions in attachment as effectively as possible. Why are we telling you all of this?  Because you will actually play an awesome and vital role in helping M setting in, heal, and lay a foundation for the future.  There are a few areas in which you can help us:

The first is to set physical boundaries.  It will help us immensely if adults limit what is typically considered normal physical contact with M.  This will (for a while) include things like holding, excessive hugging, and kissing.  Children from orphanage setting are prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone – which hinders the important, primary relationship with parents.    Waving, blowing kisses, a brief hug, or kiss on the cheek while she’s in our arms, high fives, a pat on the back or head, etc are perfectly appropriate and welcomed!  We definitely want M to know that the people with whom she interacts are our trusted friends.

Another area is redirecting M’s desire to have her physical and emotional needs met by anyone (including strangers) to having us meet them.  Orphans often have so many caretakers that they, as a survival mechanism, become overly charming toward all adults.  A child struggling to learn to attach may exhibit indiscriminate affection with people outside of their family unit.  It may appear harmless and as if they are “very friendly” but this is actually quite dangerous for the child.  This may seem unfair as we have snuggled, cared for, fed, and loved on so many of your children.  Please understand that we want nothing more than to have M hugged, cuddled, and cherished by ALL of you.  But until she has a firm understanding of family and primary attachments, we would be grateful if you direct her to us if you see that she is seeking out food, affection, or comfort.

Lastly, for this initial homecoming period, we would ask that disruptions be limited and that we be allowed to choose what our family can handle.  Adopting a baby is very different from bringing a newborn home from the hospital, but there are some similarities:  We want everyone who desires to do so to come to the (“hospital”) airport/homecoming to meet M!  We cannot avoid the discomfort and craziness that we will all experience in our journey back home, so why not top it off with a little homecoming soiree? :)   We will want to keep the house quiet, calm, low stimulus so that we can rest and bond.  We will want to limit visitors for the first several weeks.  We would LOVE for you to come and meet M.  We simply ask that before you do so, you call ahead.  M will be very fragile in many ways when she comes home, much like a newborn.  So many of you have prayed and loved her from half a world away and we are so excited to have you finally meet her!  She will be incredibly overwhelmed during the first few weeks (or even months) at home and will need to meet people slowly and learn that his is her forever home and family.  If you would like to come visit, please call us and let us know so that we can plan for your arrival.  Please also know that we may limit your visit, not because we don’t want to see you (WE DO!!!), but rather to ensure that M is not overwhelmed.

We are incredibly blessed to have such an amazing, supportive group of family and friends.  This has been a rollercoaster ride for us, and you have been along for the ride with us!  Thank you so much for your love and support over the past three years.  If you have any questions please feel free to ask at any time!

May God bless you as you have blessed us through this journey!

Kevin, Laura, and Nicolas